Unmasking the pain of being Molested, She Writes

Thought about you today Neta. Today we are 35 years old, and we will be 36 years old on June 23rd. I’m a mother now, and the children make me so proud to be a mother. I’m not married yet and still waiting for my husband. Before he comes, I pray to have some things dealt with. Stuff like my past and the things that seem to leech itself on me. We’ve been through a lot together. Some things have been more painful than others. But pain is pain either way it hurts. Today, you came to me, and I think it’s time to heal. You're stuck in a place where it’s lonely, and no one sees you, but I feel you. The memories of you come to me some days when I’m doing nothing at all. And sometimes I see you when someone else tells their secrets. I tried to get let go, but the pain gets worse every day. I think it’s time we talked.

Today, I watched a man in a video who happened to be a pastor in a church share that he was molested and penetrated as a young boy. You came to me, and I see you standing there, but I see you laying on top of him.  So, I searched the internet for this God praying bastard because it’s time I free you. My adult me sees you sleep in a bed while the entire house is asleep and him picking you up tiptoeing into his room. I can't seem to save you Neta all I can do is let it play in my head like a movie. It’s dark, and people are there, but no one can protect you. No one knows, and you’re so young that little girl 3 and four years old being molested by a teenage boy practicing on your child life body. I see you still asleep like a person in surgery becoming open to spiritual demons, with invisible wounds that will follow you forever. Your half-awake half asleep, and you can’t run. Your twilight zone is a reality. You cry because it hurts and you’re afraid to scream out loud. Neta I see you, and I can’t save you.

As I sit here seeing this happened to you repeatedly, I feel the pain, and it's hurting me today the same as before. You don’t even know if it’s okay to tell, but you know not to talk. No one can see how afraid you are of him. Remember when you went to school, and they talked about good touches and bad touches? But you still never just said anything. One day you did something shocking, and your mother saw this wasn’t right. She didn’t yell at you but asked what you were doing. What were you doing? You were merely doing what was being done to you. You got on top of that bunny rabbit and laid on top moving your little hips around doing what you were told to do.

Your mother asked you, and you shared but she never questioned you at all. She knew you told the truth. Neta I want you to know you did right by telling and you did nothing to deserve what was done to you. Your mother and grandmother did their best to protect you. I know if they knew he would do this to you and call you his baby sister they would’ve shielded you. Your grandmother wanted you forget about it or wanted to be told you it didn’t happen. Not that she didn’t believe you but because as a black woman your taught never to tell just be strong. Your mother and grandmother sacrificed their lives to protect you and they did well. It’s that don’t talk and tell anyone and be strong so understand now you must break the silence. Know one knew how you were seeing these visuals of you being abused and fondled daily as a little girl.  And no one knew that depression would come in silently and how it would traumatize you throughout your life. It’s invisible pain and now we must expose it. Somewhere in your in your mind, it just seemed to have a place there, and your mind became vexed.

Neta I know you tried to grow up and move on. But the thought of knowing this sick bastard lives his life and gets never to be tortured mentally bothers you.  I have been praying for you Neta, and I have been with you through the years watching you suffer from decisions and having no voice because more demons found you to sexually abuse and emotionally destroy you. The silent little girl Neta remained quite because now who will believe her after more than one lover. The world says shit happens, but this shit keeps taunting your mind. When you did have a chance to choose your first remember the pain of him telling you lied he wasn’t. Your heart crushed I felt it, and you drowned in tears. How could that little girl explain what happened, but you had no idea that this would happen. Life tries to knock you down again and shame you.

Baby girl I want you to know I have come to save you today. I come to set you free. I come to help you share your story. You can now live free. No more pain or shame. You’ve seen much and been through a lot Neta. Today is the day you can come out we have grown together. Wisdom speaks through us now. Neta you are not alone even though its felt this way for years. Sexual abuse has happened to many. Depression, Suicide attempts, shame, humiliation, and pain has tried to stop you. However, you have lived through it, defeated everything thrown your way and survived it all. Break your silence so that you can also break the chains in your bloodline and for others around the world. You have wondered what you would say to this sick bastard who kneels daily lives behind the mask using God’s name. There is this thing called forgiveness and Karma. As much as it may pain you to forgive I need you live I need freedom as well. No need to do anything but become free and each day you live make it your best life. Let your books tell stories from real people and help free others. Remember your motto "Free the minds of the people, and the people will heal”.

My story isn’t anything new but it’s one that stays buried. I stood in the face of my adversities because I needed to live. I was tired of shame beating me and I needed to find the core that kept deep rooting itself inside of me. It wasn’t until I started to unmask myself I realized what I needed to do. I no longer live with the guilt or shame. I turned my hurt into art by using my words writing in journals and expressing myself. Today I what to give others around the world the same chance. I’ve created a space of no judgement with my call for stories Expression Author Your Story. I will allow people to share their stories to inspire others and author their own story. Please share my story in hopes of saving lives.

 

Signed

Unmasked and Unapologetic

Neta Vaught

 

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