She Silently Writes

Sitting here I'm patient right now. I like expressing myself and talking to someone. The doctor is kind and reassuring. Damn who would've ever thought stress could fuck with you like this. I'm going to beat this. If for months I must talk to someone then I will. What I must say I was very disappointed that Seton House doctors wouldn't see me. But "Oh well" other doctors are willing. This headache is hurting. Hopefully, the Tylenol works. I want to sleep I need plenty of rest. God Thank you! I pray that you give the doctors the necessary tools and mindsets to help me. And bless everyone involved in my treatment Amen.

Here is my original writing in 2015 on a small envelope trying to get my thoughts out of my head. Full of emotions and crying out from the inside for someone to see how much in pain I was. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't realize how dangerous it was. I was living life at least I thought. Then I ran myself into a pit, and no one was there to save me. I depended on the help of the medical doctors to help me because of that's what they do save lives. I wanted badly for someone to tell me I wasn't going crazy

The pain was hurting me and yet they said: "Ms. Vaught you're okay." How could they say that because I can't sleep, my thoughts are racing, tears are streaming and I don't know why. Or did I understand why? Here is what depression looks like its invisible and silent. You feel trapped and lonely as ever. No one understands you, and you don't even realize yourself. You want answers, but there is none given. People are out living and walking past you, yet no one stops to save you. Not a smile or a wink. Not a hello or have a blessed day.  Hell, where are the friends that once called you to hang out? Everyone disappeared without a trace.

What would it take for someone to help me? I started to do something I was always taught to do. I prayed, and I cried. How many more tears must I shed for God to answer me? How much more pain must I bare for God to give me a miracle like everyone else. Yeah, that was me, and that is so many others. Wondering and questioning where did we go wrong. Was this punishment or was this something else.

Doctors couldn't seem to figure this out, and I wanted so badly to fix myself. Here I am a mother of five children. They're looking at me watching me fall deeper into a pit. Inside I was saying "Mommy loves you" because the depression had taken away my voice. I cried, and they watched and wiped away my tears. No longer wanting to be this way I went deeper into the bible and researching more about my illness. I searched every day for answers, and then I started to journal these thoughts in my head.

I began to see then the areas of my life that needed to be fixed. I was utterly crushed, yet I was standing. Like many we want to help others but we put ourselves last. I knew I to help myself first and then help others. I could no longer focus on the negative because it was draining me. I told God if you, could please help me I promise to help others and share my story. I wanted to no longer be ashamed. Being ashamed of who I am was me running away from my destiny. And I what I learned is it will chase you down no matter how much you run.

Mental Health issues are so deep within the African American community, but it's a huge stigma attached. We must start to break the silence of our trauma and drop the shame. Is it easy? No, it's not. Having gone through this, I saw the gap in healthcare and the long wait times for getting professional help. The traditional way of treating isn't working. So we must start to do things differently. As I began to journal, I say how powerful writing my thoughts were because I could now see how to help myself.

Blaming others would be too easy. But I chose to let go and forgive myself and others. I was holding on to things like my father never being in my life, hating my molester who stole my innocence, hating the life I was given, mad as hell at my mother for her bipolar and paranoid schizophrenia and mad as hell at others for humiliating me. I was angry at my weight gain, being jobless, not being married and at the fathers of my children.

I knew I wasn't alone, so I began to work on each area of my life one by one. I learned the art of journaling, and I began to speak what I wanted instead of the things I didn't want. I started to lose weight, eat healthier, and leave people alone that weren't for me. I read self-help books on how to better myself and be the best mother I could be. Later on, I started my company Reconnecting Our Communities L.L.C.

My days became better once I focused on what I wanted versus what I didn't. I started to speak life into myself. I used to hear that but didn't know what it meant. I would write on sticky notes affirmations and train my mind to see myself becoming a speaker, author, and writer. Heck, I was in long grocery store line learning how to remain calm. I wasn't afraid anymore to let go of people. I made room for new friendships, partnerships, and blessings.

I created journals that are available on my website and a downloadable book called Standing In The Face Of Adversity a 7 Step guide for women. I started giving back to others, and I began to see my life change. I've had the opportunity to speak on radio, television networks, podcast and travel sharing my story helping others to break their silence. If you are going through difficulty at this time or may know someone seeking help, please share my blog. Start to educate yourself on depression and seek help.

Take a moment to understand it doesn't make you less than. You have gone through trauma and its okay to ask for help. To help others no longer be mocked or judged for their pain I created Expression (Author Your Story) a book series full of journal writing for both men and women to share their story. Check out my blog for more information. After reading this, I hope to stop stigmas and help someone out there to not give up on life. Let my life be a testimony and help you to overcome.